Sunday, April 03, 2005

How to be a Magician

by Lathedini The Egregious

Name - For your first name, take the first syllable of your favorite
tool -- drill, saw, visegrips, etc. add -dini to it. Your second name
is always The. Last name is any adjective, preferably ending in -ous.

Business Cards - Have business cards printed with your stage name. Be sure to
have an appropriate tag line, like -Everything from mentalism to balloon
twisting-, or -No audience too little, no fee too small-. Do not put your
address on them.

Costume - Should be of eye-catching material, lame', rhinestones, neon colored
fabric,etc. If you can walk down the street in your costume without getting
arrested you are not a magician.

Publicity - Put on your costume and have a friend take a Polaroid picture of
you standing in front of your fireplace. Use this as your publicity shot on
handbills. Have them printed on yellow paper at Kinko's and post them at any
establishment that will allow, e.g. Goth shops and sexually oriented
businesses.

Props - Should go with your costume. If your audience has any idea what they
are, you are not a magician. Buy Bicycle decks by the case at SAM's. Discard
all the blue-backed decks when you get home. Open all the red-backed decks
and tear the little ears off the cases. Discard all your loose change except
half-dollars. If you have a quarter in your pocket to make a phone call you
are not a magician. Buy lots of gaffed coins. Carry them in your pocket. If
you've never inadvertently spent a locking $1.35 on a candy bar you are not a
magician.

Books - Buy lots and lots of books. Put them on your shelves where everyone
can see them. Be sure and dust them occasionally.

Magic Stores - Once a week or so, go to your local magic store. Ask them to
show you what is new. After they demonstrate it tell them it is lame. Never,
ever buy anything from them. If you buy stuff at a magic store you are not a
magician.

Auctions - At least once a year pack up all your stuff and go to an auction.
Sell it for 10 cents on the dollar. Bid up other peoples' used stuff until it
is over retail.

Live Shows - Attend every live magic performance held. During the show be
sure and say in a voice loud enough for all those seated around you to hear,
what is going to happen next. Everytime the performer makes a steal go
-OOOOOHH-. During intermission stand in the lobby and shuffle a deck of
cards. Offer to sign autographs.

Practice - ???,---Nah!

Rehearsing - (see Practice)

Magic Club - Attend the meetings of the local magic club. Do not perform, so
that you remain an enigma. Don't pay dues. You're not a magician if you pay
magic club dues. If there are any kids in the club, tell them their acts are
lame.

Conventions - Go to every convention you can. Don't pay registration
and don't get a hotel room. Sleep in the lobby. Sneak in the dealer
room and tell them you can buy all their stuff cheaper somewhere
else. Tell the book dealers that you would buy the Albo set from them
if they only had it. Try to get backstage before the competition and
mess with peoples' props before they go on. Afterward, tell them their
acts are lame.

Finance - Pay for everything with a money order. If you have a checking
account you are not a magician.

Performing - Subscribe to every magazine, e-zine, mail list and visit
every magic web page. Go to all conventions and live shows. Do not
perform. If you have time to perform you are not a magician.

Location - Move to L.A. or better, Las Vegas. You're not a magician if you
don't live in Las Vegas.

..and finally - Learn how to twist balloons and put on clown make-up.